Excerpts from TLOAM: Traveling with the Traveler
As I started getting deeper and deeper into MSIA teachings, I found myself making changes in my life. For one thing, I had dropped everything in order to get clean and sober. Unfortunately, when getting clean becomes the goal in life, friends for whom getting high was an integral part of life started to drop away. As that happened, I saw that they were somehow enabling me in my drug use. I’m not blaming them, but I took responsibility and broke off relationships with the people in that crowd who were still left. My wife helped, and we went forward. So I was staying sober and watching my career kind of change. I wouldn’t say it went down. It was more that it was a lower priority for me than my soul and my spiritual progression. Taking care of myself (In relation to my Self) became my number one priority. I was beginning to see that what I was hungering for was Spirit. All those years of not learning about who I am, where I came from, what life was all about, kept me distracted from my real passion. Sure, I was learning how to pay the rent, make money, be a successful actor. But I was so immersed in being a movie star that I forgot to live life. I had put the brakes on that and I felt I was at my wit’s end and didn’t know why. Being married was beautiful at first, and then all the Catholic guilt appeared. My belief was that I had to succeed in this marriage because, after all, I was Catholic and there is no other option. I was trapped in the false belief that Catholics aren’t allowed to divorce. However, as time went on, I started to see all the issues with my mother, and it seemed like they started to show up with my wife. That’s what I was projecting, at least. In the midst of all this I was getting deeper into the Traveler’s teachings. I was in my second year of reading the Soul Awareness Discourses, and when the opportunity to complete the set of aura balances, I sped to Las Vegas at the very last minute to get my aura balance number 3. That third aura balance went really deep, and it was during it that I came back to conscious awareness and found J-R standing at my feet holding for me while [JG2] the person doing the balance completed what he was doing. That was the first of the two book ends that completed when I stood at his feet and held for him when he was on his deathbed. Not long after that experience in Vegas, I scored a great job on a Merchant Ivory movie called Slaves of New York. So away my wife and I went to New York. We got a nice little loft and we were having a pretty good time. Then, what I can only call miracles started to happen for me. Interestingly, John-Roger, who is based in L.A., happened to be giving seminars and doing other spiritual work in New York at the same time I was there. (A cosmic coincidence?) So I managed to get a note to him and invited him to come to the film set and visit me. To my total surprise, he showed up with his assistant, and I was blown away. That visit had a big impact on me, and not just because he came. Seeing him with his brand new assistant hit me really hard. I almost freaked out because I thought this guy had been hired and had taken my place on J-R’s staff. I remember doing my scene while thinking that I could be that guy, and wondering what I was doing in front of the camera instead of standing with J-R. That really underscored for me that I wanted to be that person. I had to be that person. I think that was a key awareness that started a real karmic shift in my life. I also think that if the movie I was shooting had been successful, my life would have taken a really different turn. I suspect I would not have gone on my first PAT IV trip and would not have ended up on staff. But the film bombed and my life soared. Looking back, it seemed like J-R and the powers that be worked it out that I somehow would get the money for the PAT IV trip to Israel. You [JG3] [LB4] can imagine that the price of a month of travel in the middle east and plane flights and such adds up. The overall cost was several thousand dollars. I sure didn’t have that kind of money. I was making payments toward the trip, but still…By the time J-R left the movie set, I had really connected with him. It was [JG5] amazing and I felt like I was in love. Not a romantic love—I loved my wife that way— but with J-R it was like re-connecting with my absolutely best friend from many lifetimes. It was a real full-immersion experience of a spiritual love that was pure, like the love of a mother for a child. I believe it was the product of eons of reincarnations, of simply “knowing” the countless times we had been together. A couple of nights after J-R had been on the set, I was invited to a party. It would have been good for my career to be there and hang out with those people so I decided to go. Andy Warhol had just died, and a lot of the Andy Warhol people in this whole underground New York artist scene were going to show up. It was at a time when Tribeca was about to explode.
Excerpts from TLOAM: Nightmares
Probably most of us are familiar with recurring nightmares. I’m not referring to the terrifying, “the monster’s going to get me”, kind of dream; I’m talking about the “I was at an important business meeting and I forgot my pants” variety. J-R had a body and a mind and emotions like the rest of us, (well, sort of like the rest of us) and he also had nightmares. His were about being late to class. My nightmares were about being late on the movie set. That actually happened when I was working with Ben Stiller and John Hamburg in Along Came Polly. I slept through my alarm and they had to wait for me for an hour or so. They were not happy—and with good reason: When an actor’s late, everything on the set stops. But the producers still have to pay the dozens and dozens of people who are sitting there waiting. I hadn’t done it on purpose, but I ate the results of it. So I started having anxiety attacks all through the night, and it was awful. But, as soon as I started moving toward directing and doing J-R’s movies it started to subside. In fact, it hardly ever happens now. Of course, the physical reality also changed. With the J-R movies there was less of a crazy schedule. In the movie business, you’re awake at 5:00 in the morning after being up late learning your lines. With J-R, it was really taking care of J-R, hanging out with J-R, then learning lines, and then going to work the next day; there really was no sleep—so there was no alarm to sleep through.
Excerpts from TLOAM: Traveling Without J-R
By the time I completed my first year in the University of Santa Monica course in Spiritual Psychology in 2015, I had had many experiences of J-R coming into my consciousness and letting me see some things since his passing. For one, I saw I needed to travel, and I got very strongly inside that I must be in Israel with my girlfriend, Nicole. One of my dreams was that while John Morton was traveling in France for the Peace Awareness Training, PAT VIII, Nicole and I would be in Jerusalem. I envisioned that we would be screening the Mystical Traveler film in Tel Aviv on September 24 (J-R’s 81st birthday) and we would share a marathon 9 hours of non-stop J-R seminars on September 26. My intention was crystal clear. It was an impulse that was burning inside. J-R kept talking to me in pictures. When I cautiously shared this with some friends, I realized that J-R had been talking to folks in their dreams about helping me. I asked for, and I received, a lot of help. Nicole and I traveled to Israel in 2015 to celebrate J-R’s 81st Birthday. September 24th was approaching, almost one year since John-Roger's passing into Spirit, and I must say it had been a difficult year. While in Jerusalem I knew I shouldn't try to repeat what I had done there with J-R in the past. J-R was showing me inside that I needed to try new things and go to different places to share J-R’s teachings. So I did, and there he would be. The previous year, 2014, in Jerusalem was a spectacular and unforgettable moment in time. J-R was still alive then, surrounded by 141 souls all loving each other. During the three-day fundraiser, with John Morton, Michael Hayes, myself, Benji Shavat, our tour guide for all the PATs, and Paul Kaye, it became surrealistic and mighty: It was truly a moment in time and space. We were basking in the Love and light of John-Roger, The Christ and God. My attachment to J-R’s physical body was immense. I could not just forget and move on. I moved through this with a hole in my heart. On the trip in 2015, I noticed Nicole and I were looking for J-R in everyone and everything, much like The Force in the Star Wars movies. The trip turned out to be in the middle of Jewish and Muslim holidays: Yom Kippur, Sukkot and the Eid al-Adha Festival surrounded us in our activities. Finally, with fasts, no driving and restaurants closed, we surrendered and we just observed. In the midst of having to walk to places, we found love and fellowship between families and friends. We planted light in the Temple Mount on Yom Kippur and walked around the Dome of the Rock. The air was pregnant with honoring of God. We let it infect us as we were honoring our Beloved John-Roger. My heart is filled with thanks to all who gave their light, love and donations that made this dream come true, to John Morton, and to the MSIA Presidency for their support. This trip was the first of many to come where I was not thinking about getting back to the hotel to check on J-R and see how he was doing. It began to sink in that J-R was with me so I didn’t have to go anywhere to make sure he was okay. Still, after 26 years, it was a hard habit to release. As it began to sink in, I began to feel him inside in a different way. He was young and energetic, and he was showing me where to go. If I tried to recapture him in those old places he would not be there.
“The willingness to do gives the ability to do, and by God that’s the truth but you can’t fake it. The willingness to go out there and clean shit out of stables. They asked last night, “How many want to go do stables,” maybe it was the night before. Zeus raised his hand and said, “I want to do it,” and some of the others, Jim and some of the others and a girl that was in here said, “I want to do it”. They went out and had more fun. It was what I hear—somebody said, “with all this horse shit, there’s bound to be a pony some place. They got all through, and guess who wants to be chosen to go do it again? Same ones. Why? Because they made fun out of it.”
–John-Roger, DSS PATs at Windermere.)
“We were “E-Z-linking,” ‘cause we'd just had the computer and just set up and we were traveling and Zeus was working with me and we'd go, we'd take a message and go on line to send it to Betsy, go off line get the other message, put in on, go on line send to Phil, go off line and that was really efficient in it's way. But what a waste! Because through a mistake I sent a message to the entire staff on my computer list because I hit the wrong key.”
-John-Roger (1990 staff meeting about emailing for the first time.)